Where more than a single person may share a bed, a bedroom or a sleeping compartment each person's concern for the welfare of the other (or others) demands certain standards of conduct so as not to intrude on the companion or companions "personal space" by means of bothersome noises, blinding lights or noxious gasses during nighttime or naptime hours of rest.
Not all persons share the same circadian rhythms, so that while one person may almost instantly fall asleep, another may be unable to do so, but must allow his or her biological processes to moderate slowly until a time is reached when sleep becomes possible.
One of the more popular sleep inducing methods is by means of the performance of sexual activities, which, when properly accomplished can cause males to lapse into post-coital unconsciousness in 30 seconds or less, but when ineptly performed can result in a sleepless and tearful night for his companion. Bitter females refer to this "failure to perform" as "premature ejaculation" while the males will often conclude that the dichotomy is the result of "FIOD", Frigidity Inhibited Orgasmic Delay. One must sympathize with the woman whose cervix is about to be deluged with up to 84,600,000 bits of her sex partner's DNA in the form of self propelled egg seeking bio-missiles, for this may lead her to a mental block known as IMPREGNOPHOBIA, further restricting her capacity for orgasmic relief.
[note: the above mentioned number of sperm cells is but a single day's production for a post-puberty homo sapiens, which, according to some authorities may range from 1000-3000 sperm cells created each and every second, from puberty to the grave, and no wonder old men are so tired all the time.]
One of the symptoms of IMPREGNOPHOBIA is the Magician Assistant Syndrome, where a pregnable woman may become totally rigid, so that her head may be placed on one chair, her feet on another, with her stiffened body otherwise unsupported like a bridge between abutments, a form of sexual catatonia. In this state a magician may be able to stand on the lady's stomach, or place thereupon large blocks of granite which he smashes with sledgehammers. The appearance of her sex partner in the bedroom doorway, clad in droopy boxer shorts, a torn tee shirt, and shouting "Here I come...ready of not!" is sufficient to induce rigidity, but in differing degrees for each person.
Being pregnant doesn't do much for improving nighttime relaxation. Inability to sleep may actually become sleep depravation whenever a sperm cell is able to fertilize an egg, resulting in the birth of one or more infants. Tiny humans care nothing for the health of their parents, and will selfishly defecate and wet themselves in the middle of the night, just so they can break into the sleep cycle of one or more of the parents. Infants also will take foods only in sufficient quantities to last them a short part of the night, and will arouse parents with self-centered food demands any time it pleases them. And sometimes the fertilized egg results in more than a single child being born, many believing the potential parents probably have had multiple sex acts per night, up to quintuple couplings. In pairs the infant gang carefully coordinates alternating demands and the little buggers are thus capable of keeping the parents from sleep at ANY TIME and ALL THE TIME..
A method of achieving sleep as a consequence of sexual activities is endorsed by The American Secular Society Endorsing Recreational Sex (ASSERS). Their policy is to assure that the female vagina is to be maintained as a "Sperm-Free Zone". This may be accomplished by means of alternative sexual practices which are too stimulating to be discussed in this monograph.
Another vastly misunderstood technique is surgically inhibiting the 84,600,000 daily sperm cells produced in the scrotal factory, achieved by closure of the sperm delivery ducts within the male scrotum in a simple surgical operation called a Vasectomy. The resulting condition results in "Vasectomy...100% Juice....No Seeds", all the expected advantages of sex without the punishment of a partner's maternity, which has been defined as "a sentence...to nine months total loss of privacy, including gynecological body cavity searches (by persons of questionable motivation lured into Medicine in the expectation of being able to "play doctor"), followed by hard labor, then confinement for not less than 18 years doing laundry as a house prisoner". Wherever do you suppose the phrase "penal servitude" ever came from?
Bankers have their own professional humor and refer to pregnancy as "nine month interest on a small deposit".
Condoms may also be utilized to provide for this vigorous and healthful exercise without consequent penalty or responsibility. One of the world's most exciting four handed games, which can also be played in total darkness, is condom installation (some erection required). In most cases installation can be part of the fun, accompanied by chuckling and giggling. An average condom may cost between 60 and $1.00, yet the purchase of disposable diapers which result from the failure to condomize can run into hundreds (almost thousands) of dollars, as the average child "consumes" as many as 4500 disposable diapers between birth and final toilet training. And disposing of the rancid disposable is an added cost one seldom considers during moments of blinding tumescence, a mental aberration for males which is a distant relative of the Mad Cow Disease.
Our Inventor has several patents under consideration, and in one is close to a solution for the "Lost Condom Syndrome", wherein the wearer, upon achieving satisfaction, discovers himself to be increasingly circumferentially disadvantaged, and the device slips away, loaded with deadly cargo, within the sex partner's ejacularium. [warning: excuses that "it broke" are not acceptable, and will be prosecuted vigorously as slander in court by the American Condom Manufacturers Alliance...claiming it is physically impossible to frictionally rupture the device under such gloriously slippery conditions]
The Inventor has a design on his drawing board of a new style of condom, which has a "chin strap", a built-in extra elastic loop which can be slipped over and behind the scrotum, assuring that no matter how diminished the wearer may become, the condom will not be lost. Until production can begin on the "chin-strap", and wide market distribution is achieved, the Inventor will be pleased to license interested parties who may wish to go forward without further delay. The license allows the wearer to secure condoms with duct tape. [warning: the effect felt on removal is similar to bikini waxing and carries with it a certain amount of pain]
Another option which allows for sexually gratifying pre-somnolent sleep encouraging activities is one or more of the various forms of homosexuality. Here too condoms are in order except for very long term and permanent relationships.
Sheep are difficult to housebreak and should not regularly be brought to the bedroom. When "BAAAA" is the answer to the question , "Was it good for you too?" no permanent relationship can be expected.
One of the most effective methods for inducing sleep is through sexual self-gratification, sometimes known as masturbation. Producer Woody Allen is said to have put these words in one of his motion picture scripts, seemingly in support of the solitary practice, when he wrote, "Masturbation.... is having sex with someone you really love!". In another of his films a psychiatrist asks, "Do you think sex is dirty?"...to which Woody's character responded, "Yes, if you're doing it right."
But, some less adventurous persons use this pre-somnolent period productively in a non-sexual fashion, reading the most least-interesting book or magazine possible, in the hope that boredom will help to close their eyes.
Centralized overhead bedroom lighting is a poor choice of reading light unless the foot of the bed points away from the center of the room. Most often the reverse is true, and any ceiling fixture is bound to cast light directly into the reader's eyes. Not all of this is bad however, since eye strain can be a precursor for blinking, with increasingly longer percentages of closure, until sleep is accidentally encountered.
Reading lights are best placed at bedside on a table or attached higher up on the headboard of the bed with clamps so that the light is cast on the reading matter from over the reader's shoulders. The light should be strong enough to illuminate the pages, but not so strong as to glare, bouncing off the walls of the room. With a soft light glowing, it is often possible for one's bed partner to drowse, yeah, even sleep without annoyance from excessive light.
A recent invention, the Flatus Powered Bedside Reading Lamp, has been approved for nighttime reading in bed. The Inventor claims the following advantages:
1. The FPBRL provides light without drawing on diminishing stocks of fossil fuels.
2. The FPBRL is convenient, well suited to its location.
3. The FPBRL diminishes the threat of global warming by reduction of greenhouse gasses, consuming methane, substituting carbon dioxide with 1/50th the penalty.
4. The FPBRL is an inexpensive capital investment with virtually no future operating costs, fuel being a zero expense.
5. The FPBRL contributes to improvements in bedchamber ecology.
6. The FPBRL assists in establishing marital harmony.
7. The FPBRL saves on the cost of air fresheners.
The Flatus Powered Bedside Reading Lamp is a gas lamp which employs fuelgas collected from combustible gasses manufactured within the human lower digestive tract. The various parts of the device are:
1. Anal retainer rings
2. filter
3. gas line
4. check valve
5. gas accumulator
6. brightness control gas valve
7. stand (or accessory clamp for headboard model)
8. mantel
9. reflector/shade
WARNING: A moment, please, for a word from the inventor [persons of high sensibilities who may faint upon hearing coarse language...please skip, the following paragraphs]. Earthy persons may read onward without skipping at their own peril. (My attorney made me say it!)
Flatus, from the Latin word for "wind" gives us words like "inflate"...to fill with wind. It also gives us "Flatulence". [warning: felatio is from an entirely different root] From the Germanic languages we get "Fart" = Wind. In English languages the word "fart" has come to mean the expulsion of methane, hydrogen sulfide and other mixed gasses from the lower digestive tract's anus, rectum or "ass----". One hears this Germanic derivation in parts of our culture, in slogans and epigrams or quaint phrases, such as "His political campaigning is as unpopular as a fart in church.". Most commonly "farting" is accompanied by sounds, although some cleverly devious persons are able to release gasses without any noise, and may do so at parties as a surreptitious display of aggressive behavior, accusing others or the hostess's dog of being the perpetrator.
The inventor is himself fastidious in speech, and chooses to use the Latin "Flatus" to refer to this sometimes involuntary but uncouth practice. Mandatory installation of ceiling fans in bathrooms is part of most building codes in order to expel gasses from the "facilities", universally recognized as necessary in American plumbing society. The bathroom's gain is the upper atmosphere's loss....
Oftentimes persons may mistakenly consider the Inventor's scientific interest as being an unseemly personal interest in the subject of "bathroom habits". Not so! Just recently he was asked by an crude person if "he (the inventor) knew the difference between a public drinking place and an elephant fart?". When he could not guess as to the answer the uncouth person responded, laughing boisterously, that " A public drinking place is a barroom, while and elephant fart is a
Our inventor, who is a very serious person, was not amused.
The community of world scientists had lately become concerned (and many of them convinced) that our earth environment is in peril due to "greenhouse gasses" which are likely to raise the earth's average temperature as much as 4 Celsius during the next century. Although carbon dioxide is often held responsible for the greatest danger, it has been concluded that methane is 50 times more dangerous (per unit) than CO2 as a potential modifier of earth's atmospheric environment. And although a gradual change in overall earth temperature may hardly be noticeable during one's lifespan, chances are that the climate is becoming more erratic...higher highs, lower lows... and a manic-depressive Mother Nature is not a comforting thought. Crops and forests are lost to climactic extremes, and not to its means.
Scientists have claimed that the largest producer of methane on a world wide scale has been the termite, followed closely now by the cow. The rapid increase of humans in the Homo Sapiens Population Spike (the U. S. Population has leaped upward, 8 times larger just since the Civil War) now place the human as second only to the rat in gross numbers of individuals among the world populations of mammals. Soon the rat's Olympic standing for sexual reproduction will be overtaken by we of the homo sapiens group. The cow population is tied directly to homo sapiens increases as a consequence of its being parasitized by the human, and the increase in both groups can be measured by building permit applications for increases in numbers of "fast food" establishments, known familiarly among statisticians as the MacBurger Factor.
Meanwhile, fossil fuels may be near the point of exhaustion, at least so said our U. S. Department of Energy in 1991. DOE gave our proved oil reserves (all the cheap and easy oil) only 15 years to go...maybe 20 years at the outside. The Alaska Pipeline, in memory so recently completed, is indeed already decreasing its amount of oil transported, the difficulty being on the supply end. Alternative sources of energy should be vigorously pursued in order to phase in on line in sufficient time to take over as liquid fossil fuels are exhausted.
Since a good deal of electrical energy is derived from fossil fuels, any means to decrease our demands on these resources will be appreciated by our great-grandchildren (if any). So it was that our Inventor has been inspired, mindful of the need to discover alternative sources of energy, and was able to tap into this heretofore wasted resource, intestinal gasses as the fuel of choice for bedtime lighting.
The Flatus Powered Bedside Reading Lamp is low in cost, can be assembled from a kit, or from plans, and is extremely simple to operate. To use the lamp one needs only to follow these simple instructions.
1. Do not "fart" before bedtime.
2. Do not "fart" under the bedcovers unless your FPBRL is connected.
3. Make yourself comfortable in bed with books etc. all within easy reach.
4. At the extreme end of the FPBRL long flexible supply tube you will note two closely spaced rings or knobs. These are its anal retention knobs. Coat them with a light coating of Vaseline, KY jelly, etc. [warning:do not use turpentine] Slip the first knob into the rectum past the sphincter muscle being sure the second knob remains outside. Tug gently to assure a gas tight fit has been established.
5. Pre-installation check. Assure that filter is in place and not clogged from prior use. [warning: do not blow through this end of the tube to test filter if it has been previously used. If filter is clogged the anal retention knobs will automatically "blow out" on first attempting to "pass gas", just preceded by inversion of the navel]
6. Gasses will pass through the filter, through the tube and through the gas check valve. [warning: do not operate with check valve removed which could result in a flashback which causes a painful explosion, setting the entire lower colon afire]
7. Gasses will accumulate by inflating the FPBRL accumulator, for which purpose a condom is supplied. No fuel gage need be used, as one can depend on the amount of distention of the condom to show gas reserves. [warning: do not over- inflate or the condom may takeoff and flutter about the room making the very "farting" sounds and odors the device has been designed to eliminate]
8. Adjust the gas control valve to establish the proper flow of gasses to the gas mantle. Too yellow a flame does not give good light and may produce black carbon deposits which will, over time, discolor bedroom drapes. Too blue a flame produces excess heat and does not produce enough light to allow reading without eyestrain.
9. Adjust reflector shade to direct light toward reading materials.
10. If light begins to dim, flatulize repeatedly until the gas accumulator is fully inflated. [warning: A limp and flabby condom does not give much satisfaction.]
11. The quality and quantity of gaseous fuel for the FPBRL may be improved by adding more legumes to the diet. Cabbage too. Hard boiled eggs also. Beer is also beneficial. For one who reads late into the night, an augmented diet is a necessity, for without sufficient gas resources, no amount of straining will produce good quality fuels.
For a complete set of blueprints and a bill of materials (all on one sheet) suitable for framing:
Send: a stamped ($1.00 uncancelled postage affixed) self addressed 10 x 12" envelope
to: Inventor
Box 355
Sangerville, Maine 04479 USA
Charitable persons who don't make enough to give a damn about tax write-offs may donate not more than $5.00 to our research.
Saucy e-mail from fellow scientists may be sent electronically to: tralchem@agate.net